Read can really change a person. I used to read because I want to build my image in my social circles. I didn't start reading because I utterly enjoy it. Yet, it just gradually becomes part of my life or friends in life.
I didn't expect I would grow to be girl who will start googling the history of a place before visiting that city out of curiosity. Thanks to Cheuk Wan Gi, I realised how important it is and how it would change my perspective and ways of acknowledgment of a city if I did some research regarding the history of a city.
I am not doing this as I would like to show off myself. I do this just out of my curiosity to the world. This is mind-blowing. Maybe this is the power of knowledge, words and experiences sharing of an author.
- Writing this at the shitty Airbnb here in London, Fri 27 Dec 00:30
2019年12月26日 星期四
2019年11月13日 星期三
I changed.
I am currently sitting on the sofa in the living room while Patrick is gaming (of course) and two pairs of couples are gathering in the same space right now.
I realised I changed and it didn't take as much time as I thought I would need. I am much clearer of what I want and what I need. Yet, I am still figuring the way out to practice it in real life and in day to day life. I would say it's an awakening moment - to suddenly realised where am I as a third person in a few circumstances. Like for work and in relationship. I found so relieved once I realised how suppressed I was.
In love life, I would really wanna take a break to figure out what I appreciate and the ideal way of interaction with my partner. "Love is a lot of things". I used to simplified this area as I thought it would be the best and beneficial way in handling relationship. Yet, it's inescapable that we still need to consider a lot of things before getting into a relationship. Being too considerate might kill yourselves unexpectedly and slowly, until the day you are brave enough to embrace what's actually happening between you two.
"I hope/need my partner to share common interests with me. So we can be each others' accompany when doing something we are passionate at. I need him to understand and connect with my spiritually. I treasure mind connection. That "click" actually matters to me in many aspects, for instance to appreciate artworks or going to museum together, enjoy reading and will recommend each other recent favourites from time to time, sentimental yet will remind each other God should be the one who we look up to in life, respect the time and space each other need, and to explore the world together by not limiting oneself."
I am glad I can finally mention some cliche yet important elements through my mouth. It's actually hard for me but I am proud that I can finally figure it out and say it out.
I realised I changed and it didn't take as much time as I thought I would need. I am much clearer of what I want and what I need. Yet, I am still figuring the way out to practice it in real life and in day to day life. I would say it's an awakening moment - to suddenly realised where am I as a third person in a few circumstances. Like for work and in relationship. I found so relieved once I realised how suppressed I was.
In love life, I would really wanna take a break to figure out what I appreciate and the ideal way of interaction with my partner. "Love is a lot of things". I used to simplified this area as I thought it would be the best and beneficial way in handling relationship. Yet, it's inescapable that we still need to consider a lot of things before getting into a relationship. Being too considerate might kill yourselves unexpectedly and slowly, until the day you are brave enough to embrace what's actually happening between you two.
"I hope/need my partner to share common interests with me. So we can be each others' accompany when doing something we are passionate at. I need him to understand and connect with my spiritually. I treasure mind connection. That "click" actually matters to me in many aspects, for instance to appreciate artworks or going to museum together, enjoy reading and will recommend each other recent favourites from time to time, sentimental yet will remind each other God should be the one who we look up to in life, respect the time and space each other need, and to explore the world together by not limiting oneself."
I am glad I can finally mention some cliche yet important elements through my mouth. It's actually hard for me but I am proud that I can finally figure it out and say it out.
2019年11月4日 星期一
London
Well, I have never expected that I will fall in love with London in any sense.
In the past two weeks, I have experienced the love from fellowship and God, which removed the worries and uncomfortable feelings I had before.
All the deep talks and quality time as well as the exhibition visits and the musical night, everything is fabulous. I would say I'm like a kid getting into the adult world while so many things have caught my eyeballs.
London has bought me a lot of reflection and realisation and I have never expected and seen them coming. My mind and my heart are struggling and shaking when I was processing and digesting all these thoughts and facts. Yet, there must be some reasons for God to answer Ivy's prayers and thus I were invited to London and then all these things happened in such a short period of time.
... (tbc)
"In relations with people, as in art, if you always stick to style, manners, and what will work, and you're never caught off guard, then some beautiful experiences never happen." - Helen Frankenthaler
In the past two weeks, I have experienced the love from fellowship and God, which removed the worries and uncomfortable feelings I had before.
All the deep talks and quality time as well as the exhibition visits and the musical night, everything is fabulous. I would say I'm like a kid getting into the adult world while so many things have caught my eyeballs.
London has bought me a lot of reflection and realisation and I have never expected and seen them coming. My mind and my heart are struggling and shaking when I was processing and digesting all these thoughts and facts. Yet, there must be some reasons for God to answer Ivy's prayers and thus I were invited to London and then all these things happened in such a short period of time.
... (tbc)
"In relations with people, as in art, if you always stick to style, manners, and what will work, and you're never caught off guard, then some beautiful experiences never happen." - Helen Frankenthaler
2019年10月6日 星期日
Deadline
It's a mixed feeling when it comes to "I don't know whether I should ask for a longer stay or not"...
Cos I know I don't have any bargaining power when it comes to asking for help or something like that. I feel so embarrassed and I really have no clues about how should I ask for this.
To be honest, I know what I can do is go wherever there's a place for me and just get used to what I have. I can't have what I want anytime and this should be one of the lesson I learnt. However, there's always struggle and a grey area for me to deal with it...
Adulthood is hard and unemployed time is hard too. How should I adjust my mentality in order to walk through all these "down" time? I don't know. I don't want myself to take things for granted... Yet, I don't want to live at a place that I might not find it comfortable enough to be myself.
It's interesting that I have never experienced these moments before, and I kind of decided to put it into my bag of "must-learn" in this journey.
I don't know where God will lead me but I believe He will prepare the best for me.
Hey girl, still remember at today's fellowship, God kinda remind me about...
"Don't you believe that I will prepare the best for you my daughter?"
"Oh yes God, I do. Yet, I am weak. Please strengthen me by Your power and grant me faith from You."
Sun 6 Oct 23:40
Cos I know I don't have any bargaining power when it comes to asking for help or something like that. I feel so embarrassed and I really have no clues about how should I ask for this.
To be honest, I know what I can do is go wherever there's a place for me and just get used to what I have. I can't have what I want anytime and this should be one of the lesson I learnt. However, there's always struggle and a grey area for me to deal with it...
Adulthood is hard and unemployed time is hard too. How should I adjust my mentality in order to walk through all these "down" time? I don't know. I don't want myself to take things for granted... Yet, I don't want to live at a place that I might not find it comfortable enough to be myself.
It's interesting that I have never experienced these moments before, and I kind of decided to put it into my bag of "must-learn" in this journey.
I don't know where God will lead me but I believe He will prepare the best for me.
Hey girl, still remember at today's fellowship, God kinda remind me about...
"Don't you believe that I will prepare the best for you my daughter?"
"Oh yes God, I do. Yet, I am weak. Please strengthen me by Your power and grant me faith from You."
Sun 6 Oct 23:40
2019年9月26日 星期四
Saying goodbye again
Here in Torquay with him by my side, I realised when tree is blown by wind, the light went through them makes them shine.
Saying goodbye is a lesson we can never escape in life. Yet, it's such an interesting feeling when you say a deep goodbye to the same person again and again and you still get emotional because of it.
There's always a progress - back in the days when we lived in different countries, after saying goodbye, we both tried not to think when's the next time we will be seeing each other, as it will be months and months. So surprisingly, our emotions will be suppressed in order to avoid heartbroken moments hitting us too often; but now when we are living in different cities, things are actually getting better - we can meet after weeks but still, every goodbye is heavy and emotional, but with a little more of hope.
It's crazy that how our daily life will be influenced by each other when we are together, staying in the same flat, living together. It's such a treasure because we all don't know when's the day will be the last time seeing each other, it's a mystery.
Another goodbye again, I know my brain and my heart are trying to digest this once again even though people thought we have been getting used with this, but well, nope.
Stay hopeful and lovable, keep striving for our calling and our family. One day, we will stay in the same city, under the same rooftop x
Love you bae. See you soon x
2019年9月21日 星期六
Two people are better than one.
From time to time, I have such a strong feeling about this line "two people are better than one."
Yet, since I moved to U.K. and kind of reunion with my boyfriend, I can echo to this description almost every day and I really give thanks about God creating and granting partner in life.
I used to think that having me-time and spending most of my time alone are fabulous. I can be as selfish as I can and I don't have to consider feeling of others. However, my boyfriend has really shown me how great it is to have him in my life forever. Oh yes, I do mean FOREVER.
I don't know where to begin with, it's because it is the first time in my life that I feel and think in this way. My life didn't change dramatically, but gradually he brings me into a different world - with him by my side.
(Let me continue once I done preparing for my interview)
Yet, since I moved to U.K. and kind of reunion with my boyfriend, I can echo to this description almost every day and I really give thanks about God creating and granting partner in life.
I used to think that having me-time and spending most of my time alone are fabulous. I can be as selfish as I can and I don't have to consider feeling of others. However, my boyfriend has really shown me how great it is to have him in my life forever. Oh yes, I do mean FOREVER.
I don't know where to begin with, it's because it is the first time in my life that I feel and think in this way. My life didn't change dramatically, but gradually he brings me into a different world - with him by my side.
(Let me continue once I done preparing for my interview)
2019年8月20日 星期二
Kind reminder
Dear,
Know that you have been job hunting and worrying.
Yet, there's one thing I would like to share with you - no matter what job offers you get in the future, it's not because how nice your resume is or how talented you are. It's just because of God's grace :)
Free yourself and leave everything in God's hand x
Tue 20 Aug 18:23
Know that you have been job hunting and worrying.
Yet, there's one thing I would like to share with you - no matter what job offers you get in the future, it's not because how nice your resume is or how talented you are. It's just because of God's grace :)
Free yourself and leave everything in God's hand x
Tue 20 Aug 18:23
Day 33
Yesterday night Holam and I watched 春嬌救志明 and unexpectedly I got reminded that "growing up" or "being a real adult" is a matter of choice.
You have to tell yourself and be very determined to bear responsibilities, and that's the time when you gradually become an adult or stepping into the path of "growing up".
Oh yea, you can always decided not to grow up and bear no responsibilities for yourselves. Resist everything and keep relying on your parents, your partners or people around you. That's why we always said a mature person is not defined by his/her age but the mindsets or ways they handle challenges or daily issues.
By staying with Holam, he really teaches me a lot. He didn't do anything that's huge but baby steps when he faces changes and challenges when he is growing up or adulting. He just embraces everything softly and humbly with a very brave heart to be honest, like how he embraces my differences and dark side.
I didn't expect that hidden soft power inside his body and mind would be that strong that is so contagious. He acts like a mirror in my daily life which pushes me to reflect my actions and responses to different things. This is such an unexpected yet surprising great thing that happened in my life. I didn't know a relationship could turn into inspirations in life.
Growing up is pretty scary, but when there are people or friends or family members who walk together, even we are not on the same path, it just makes me feel much easier and better and braver.
Keep walking, there's always a way :)
Tue 20 Aug 13:25
You have to tell yourself and be very determined to bear responsibilities, and that's the time when you gradually become an adult or stepping into the path of "growing up".
Oh yea, you can always decided not to grow up and bear no responsibilities for yourselves. Resist everything and keep relying on your parents, your partners or people around you. That's why we always said a mature person is not defined by his/her age but the mindsets or ways they handle challenges or daily issues.
By staying with Holam, he really teaches me a lot. He didn't do anything that's huge but baby steps when he faces changes and challenges when he is growing up or adulting. He just embraces everything softly and humbly with a very brave heart to be honest, like how he embraces my differences and dark side.
I didn't expect that hidden soft power inside his body and mind would be that strong that is so contagious. He acts like a mirror in my daily life which pushes me to reflect my actions and responses to different things. This is such an unexpected yet surprising great thing that happened in my life. I didn't know a relationship could turn into inspirations in life.
Growing up is pretty scary, but when there are people or friends or family members who walk together, even we are not on the same path, it just makes me feel much easier and better and braver.
Keep walking, there's always a way :)
Tue 20 Aug 13:25
2019年8月18日 星期日
Day 31
So it has been a month since I arrived in U.K. (I am really looking forward to the day I can finally say I "settled down" here)
"A month" means nothing if I just arrived here and did nothing. So far I have been wondering between job seeking (online) and revising my cover letter... which could be an endless loop.
Somehow I would like to ask myself a few questions:
- Does everything just come to me so easy that I have been taking for granted already?
- Does I really know from the bottom of my heart that actually what I am enjoying and having are very luxury?
- Are you making the most of your time in this grace period?
I know that I am not using the most of my time, yet I am not sure what else can I do except sending out job application and spending time with my love ones.
Meanwhile, he is sitting in front of me watching movie while I am typing all these (with my brain running non stop) on bed.
What am I supposed to learn in these period of time or the time coming up? Phew I am exhausted with my laziness and procrastination. Though it's not productive to just blame myself by doing nothing for it. I know it's time to change.
Sun 18 Aug 11:11am
"A month" means nothing if I just arrived here and did nothing. So far I have been wondering between job seeking (online) and revising my cover letter... which could be an endless loop.
Somehow I would like to ask myself a few questions:
- Does everything just come to me so easy that I have been taking for granted already?
- Does I really know from the bottom of my heart that actually what I am enjoying and having are very luxury?
- Are you making the most of your time in this grace period?
I know that I am not using the most of my time, yet I am not sure what else can I do except sending out job application and spending time with my love ones.
Meanwhile, he is sitting in front of me watching movie while I am typing all these (with my brain running non stop) on bed.
What am I supposed to learn in these period of time or the time coming up? Phew I am exhausted with my laziness and procrastination. Though it's not productive to just blame myself by doing nothing for it. I know it's time to change.
Sun 18 Aug 11:11am
2019年8月13日 星期二
Day 26
Um, I am considering whether I should keep writing here as a diary to myself.
I was reading what I have written in the past few posts and I'm surprised by how time flies so quick and ruthlessly. It's been almost a month since I arrived in U.K. and 1.5 months since I resigned from Sinclair. This is a very weird yet complicated feelings.
Oh yes, I found the right word finally - COMPLICATED FEELING.
My body and soul have disconnected and lost each other for awhile and this is kinda a tough feeling when I try to touch my inner self. I feel so fragile as if anyone can pull me down by asking me how's life going from the bottom of his/her heart. I keep doubting myself with this "stupid" and "rush" decision I have made. Though I know the way out is to embrace it and look forward instead of looking back and feeling regret for it.
I need time. Fair enough.
Somehow, I really wanna cry heavily in order to break down completely before God pulling everything and renew/rebuild me. I have been pulling God so damn far away from myself and keep myself in a comfort zone without moving a step forward (or maybe half step).
What should I do now? Get a job? It might help or might not help.
How should I tackle my inner self? Without God I know I am nothing.
How to deal with my relationship in a healthy way? Without God I am nothing.
Keep breathing Kel, everything will be okay, everything will be fine.
I was reading what I have written in the past few posts and I'm surprised by how time flies so quick and ruthlessly. It's been almost a month since I arrived in U.K. and 1.5 months since I resigned from Sinclair. This is a very weird yet complicated feelings.
Oh yes, I found the right word finally - COMPLICATED FEELING.
My body and soul have disconnected and lost each other for awhile and this is kinda a tough feeling when I try to touch my inner self. I feel so fragile as if anyone can pull me down by asking me how's life going from the bottom of his/her heart. I keep doubting myself with this "stupid" and "rush" decision I have made. Though I know the way out is to embrace it and look forward instead of looking back and feeling regret for it.
I need time. Fair enough.
Somehow, I really wanna cry heavily in order to break down completely before God pulling everything and renew/rebuild me. I have been pulling God so damn far away from myself and keep myself in a comfort zone without moving a step forward (or maybe half step).
What should I do now? Get a job? It might help or might not help.
How should I tackle my inner self? Without God I know I am nothing.
How to deal with my relationship in a healthy way? Without God I am nothing.
Keep breathing Kel, everything will be okay, everything will be fine.
2019年8月12日 星期一
Day 25
Well, time flies slower and also faster than I thought. And I believe some writing might help and heal me a bit at this stage.
It's the 4th day since I arrived Torquay and a lot of things happened (basically the same loop happened again and again).
Sometimes, I doubted myself hardly about whether I could be a humble and obedience christian while I have nearly no one to share my struggles and temptations as they are too real to be shared. People need 3D-mindset as well as a strong mind to accept me as a friend as well as a "christian". Maybe, I am really too care and aware about how others see me and perceive me in their eyes.
It has been a long while for me not writing anything. I feel like I am escaping from something. The reality, all the changes, sins and myself. I can't even face and embrace myself, then who else can besides God?
How weak and useless I could be when facing temptations and difficulties and changes? I don't know. As I am standing right at this position and I can't even describe how vulnerable I am at this moment or this stage. Yet, I always tell myself that this is all part of the process. These all have to happened in order to reach somewhere.
Life is a loop. Human keep trying to tackle them by themselves until they truly and utterly surrender in front of the All Mighty God. Whole-heartedly and humbly.
Kel, may you be able and willing to turn you eyes upon Jesus.
It's the 4th day since I arrived Torquay and a lot of things happened (basically the same loop happened again and again).
Sometimes, I doubted myself hardly about whether I could be a humble and obedience christian while I have nearly no one to share my struggles and temptations as they are too real to be shared. People need 3D-mindset as well as a strong mind to accept me as a friend as well as a "christian". Maybe, I am really too care and aware about how others see me and perceive me in their eyes.
It has been a long while for me not writing anything. I feel like I am escaping from something. The reality, all the changes, sins and myself. I can't even face and embrace myself, then who else can besides God?
How weak and useless I could be when facing temptations and difficulties and changes? I don't know. As I am standing right at this position and I can't even describe how vulnerable I am at this moment or this stage. Yet, I always tell myself that this is all part of the process. These all have to happened in order to reach somewhere.
Life is a loop. Human keep trying to tackle them by themselves until they truly and utterly surrender in front of the All Mighty God. Whole-heartedly and humbly.
Kel, may you be able and willing to turn you eyes upon Jesus.
2019年3月24日 星期日
About how my parents empowered me
Mon 25 Mar 00:09
Recently, I have been fighting with my inner-self from time to time. I have not yet figured out the whole picture yet, I know it's about decision in life and faith in God.
Not long ago, I have decided (not sure whether God allow so) to change my job and move to U.K. when Holam starts his job in July. Basically, after two years of long distance relationship, I am quite sure this step should be done now or later since we both need to prepare for what's coming to us - different working hours. This will future affect the way and time we communicate and "work this relationship out".
I have been wondering whether this decision is in God's favour because I found myself is the one driving the one decision and the whole progress instead of praying to God, leaving things in God's hands. I feel like I am pushing God to go after me instead of me humbling myself in front of Him and wait for his responses. I feel bad about this. However, I keep pushing myself forward as I can hear the clock is ticking. I am using my own ability and way to manage the whole thing.
I am not humble nor wise. I know I need to figure this out.
However, I really want to write this down - how my parents have been supporting me endlessly throughout these months, staying besides me when I am lost and giving me space to live my life out (which is frightening in some sense). I know they must be praying for me every day and night, hoping God to guide me through all of these hardships and the battle with my own self.
They are the first gift in my life. They love, they sacrifice, they let go. They keep learning how to be a good parents while showing me the best example to be a servant in God. They are not well-known businessman or businesswoman, nor a person with "big-name". However, they are living their lives fullness in a simple and significant way, while serving God with their gifts and talents from God. As we keep growing, we might gradually figure out how hard it is to live out a life in the simplest way without being affected with things we encountered in life.
I obviously don't know what's ahead of me. But my parents are people who makes me believe in myself and God. They are one of the reasons why I work so hard for myself because I want myself to be happy and glorify God, in order to make them feel proud and happy. As simple as that.
Hey ccl, don't lose your focus. Humble yourself in front of God, but not in front of people first. When you know how to be humble in God, you will certainly be humbled in the crowd and the society. God always prepare the best for his daughters who leave things in His hand and take the leap of faith with Him.
Amen.
Mon 25 Mar 00:26
Recently, I have been fighting with my inner-self from time to time. I have not yet figured out the whole picture yet, I know it's about decision in life and faith in God.
Not long ago, I have decided (not sure whether God allow so) to change my job and move to U.K. when Holam starts his job in July. Basically, after two years of long distance relationship, I am quite sure this step should be done now or later since we both need to prepare for what's coming to us - different working hours. This will future affect the way and time we communicate and "work this relationship out".
I have been wondering whether this decision is in God's favour because I found myself is the one driving the one decision and the whole progress instead of praying to God, leaving things in God's hands. I feel like I am pushing God to go after me instead of me humbling myself in front of Him and wait for his responses. I feel bad about this. However, I keep pushing myself forward as I can hear the clock is ticking. I am using my own ability and way to manage the whole thing.
I am not humble nor wise. I know I need to figure this out.
However, I really want to write this down - how my parents have been supporting me endlessly throughout these months, staying besides me when I am lost and giving me space to live my life out (which is frightening in some sense). I know they must be praying for me every day and night, hoping God to guide me through all of these hardships and the battle with my own self.
They are the first gift in my life. They love, they sacrifice, they let go. They keep learning how to be a good parents while showing me the best example to be a servant in God. They are not well-known businessman or businesswoman, nor a person with "big-name". However, they are living their lives fullness in a simple and significant way, while serving God with their gifts and talents from God. As we keep growing, we might gradually figure out how hard it is to live out a life in the simplest way without being affected with things we encountered in life.
I obviously don't know what's ahead of me. But my parents are people who makes me believe in myself and God. They are one of the reasons why I work so hard for myself because I want myself to be happy and glorify God, in order to make them feel proud and happy. As simple as that.
Hey ccl, don't lose your focus. Humble yourself in front of God, but not in front of people first. When you know how to be humble in God, you will certainly be humbled in the crowd and the society. God always prepare the best for his daughters who leave things in His hand and take the leap of faith with Him.
Amen.
Mon 25 Mar 00:26
訂閱：
文章 (Atom)