親愛的

張懸 

親愛的

作詞：張懸
作曲：張懸

深深的話要淺淺地說
長長的路要揮霍的走

大大的世界要率真地感受
會痛的傷口要　輕輕的揉

被抱緊的時候　去勇敢的祝福
不被了解的時候
相信自己　值得

永遠心疼做過的夢

在乎的人要傻傻地愛
經歷的事　就慢慢地來

想法很多的時候　要細膩地用
擁有一切之後　就
讓他走
在某個角落放一首歌

別忘了　要溫柔
別忘了要快樂

• 把文字寫下的自己跟身體裏面的自己不時有一種拉鋸的關係，因為記下會痛。有時裏面的自己會問：「你確定要記下嘛？」我們都知道人的記憶有限，很善忘，又很聰明。太過痛的時刻，潛意識會自動替你選擇埋藏。所以不記下，時間和潛意識就會把你帶走，向前走。
  
  沒有人喜歡痛，但越長大，我們懂得欣賞痛。我不喜歡痛，但我喜歡自己在痛苦過程中所產生的文字。
  
  腦袋不停運作，消化。有人曾對我說，這樣的我很複雜。但親愛的，我不停思考、消化，對我來說是個向簡單那方向邁向的過程。我想、我寫，正正因為我想一切從簡。不與思緒磨著，不代表那個人簡單；想得多的人不代表複雜 —— 簡單和複雜是一種主觀的感覺，亦不是從這個方向去定義和解釋，更沒有這個需要。
  
  腦袋不停運作，消化了一點，文字就從那些空間衍生出來。我的責任，就是把文字逐一接著，留在電話或任何一張紙上，記下每一刻都在變化的自己。

Thu 1 Dec 15:14

無論等待了多久 還是要相信愛喔

分享與文字的能力，就是讓我這樣的一個女子，有繼續相信等待和真愛的能力和信。這個人不在乎認識了多久，自要繼續做那個真真實實的自己，是這個人的時候，你會知道的，會知道的，會的。

Tue 29 Nov 14:29

< Pink 1 >

Lesson 4

禱告其中一種方式是感恩。

凡事藉著禱告、祈求，和感謝，將你們所要的告訴上帝。< 腓四6 >

我們白白接受了天父的供應，我們沒有特別祈求，祂卻毫不間斷地供應我們生命的需要。因此，我們知道了，也明白了，我們現在所得的，從來不是我們的，而是天父的賜予。因此，對於我們自身的一無所有和在祂裏面的，我們以禱告感謝天父上帝。

Tue 29 Nov 13:24

Scars

They're scars for a reason,
they don't hurt anymore but they're there to remind you of all the things you lived through.
The moments that almost killed you and ones that made you who you are. stay strong.
- r. m. drake

Fri 25 Nov 00:28

可人兒

良朋常常提著我　這麼多好友　愛我最多
可笑是這麼可愛　對快樂無助
這數年　不理深愛著誰　亦未被對方珍惜過
沒有花　沒有果　但我記得他怎拒絕我

要是可愛　為何無人愛我
夜夜獨自一個　祈求誰來家裡坐坐
頭望鏡亦算不失不過　到底我甚麼出錯
要是可愛　為何無人愛我
夜夜獨自一個　回來和牆壁唱著愛歌
唱到自信恐怕亦無多　連我自己都不愛我
(連我亦笑問憑甚麼) [情愛是決定遺下我]
 

良朋常常胡亂猜　我這麼可愛　愛侶滿街
嘲笑內帶點安慰　勸我別言敗
激憤時　總會擁我入懷　落力為我開解不快
越要開　越要解　讓我更加擔心我狀態

是你麼　若有人愛我
是你麼　這地球　男孩如此多
情人在哪兒　情人是你麼

Baking

Just realised it has been awhile not baking anything. Baking, to me, is a new kind of de-stress and emptied-mind practice. Like walking and washing dishes at mid-night. Only me and the ingredients. Follow the recipe step by step without thinking, just weighting. I am working but at the same time resting. I get in the zone and ignore the rest happening at that moment. Priceless.

I am glad that at different stages, I know myself a little bit more. The progress cannot be rushed. It takes time to build the list up, I take time to digest who am I. Such a complicated yet fulfilled feeling. Spending time with myself - to read, to cook, to bake, to walk, to pray. I enjoy the moments when I can fully embraced and owned my true self without considering other's opinions and judgement. Being me.

To be honest, I didn't expect that 'baking' will be on my de-stress list one day as I thought it's not so ccl. C'est la vie. When I least expected it, it turns out surprising me.

Letting go is the easy part

"Letting go is the easy part.
It's the moving on that's painful.
So sometimes we fight it, trying to keep things the same.
Things can't stay the same though.
At some point you just have to let go, move on.
Because no matter how painful it is, it's the only way we grow"   

— Meredith Grey

Ariel

Seems like time can be paused at that moment. Ariel is such a genuine girl. Thank for suggesting to stay in the cafe and chill a little bit. It allows me to realise that even I haven't been achieving so much in these two months, I also didn't allow myself to live at that moment at a chill place with no concerns and overthinking thoughts in my mind. Thank you for living in the flat in the beginning of the month.

Mon 7 Nov 23:05

等待

等待 江松霖
一切都是從夢見你開始 也許天氣涼也有關係 我們肩並著肩坐在一起 就像當初那麼相愛相親 然後你說你要離開一下子 所以我在這裡等你 等著等著我就哭醒 然後發現窗外下著雨 我等著天晴等雨停 就是決定再也不等你 我等著自己忘記你 等到可以再見面的時候 不會傷心 離開你是幾個月的事情 慢慢可以聽見你的消息 也曾期待你的回心轉意 等著電話獨自哭泣 以為你就只是離開一下子 所以我在這裡等你 等著等著我就哭醒 台北的雨一直沒有停 我等著天晴等雨停 就是決定再也不等你 我等著自己忘記你 等到可以再見面的時候 我等著天晴等雨停 就是決定再也不等你 我等著自己忘記你 等到可以再見面的時候 不會傷心 可以相信

Mon 7 Nov 00:27

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DMNXANQofpY

我要變成全世界最勇敢的人

詞曲：江松霖(小松) 我養的蝦子死掉了 他變得紅通通　沉在水中 我晾的衣服淋濕了 才發現你不會再提醒我 *我們有多久沒見了 其實都還關心你呢 我還是偶爾傷心 在想起你　決定要離開我的時候 我要踏上一個陌生的旅途 我會忘記有你陪伴的溫度 學著放下心中最遺憾孤獨 學著祝福 我要變成全世界最勇敢的人 相信一切安排都是最好的路 再見

Mon 7 Nov 00:23

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJBICD2okxg

All from God.

I am that kind of people who will cut the song and change into another song if I don't feel like listening to that song or don't fancy that song.

Same as the guys I met.

I realised that I made more right decisions this time when I am facing this 'thing'. I can't say that I am proud of that but indeed I can feel something inside me is changing is moving is improving. Even sometimes I would like to find him and would like to do something I know I shouldn't do so, I can control myself. I don't know why and I have no clues where do these braveness and wisdoms come from, probably from God.

And when I looked back each day, time really does fly. Especially when I focus on what I should be focusing on and on God, time heals at the same time. *At this moment, I am sitting in the living room with Gracelee while we are working on different things on our own but at the same zone. Not talking to each other, but reading and writing what I am writing at the moment. Nice.*

Tho I am not sure how this 'thing' is going to end and how are we going to 'deal' with it. Anyway, it's obvious that I m handling this 'thing' with a totally different method which I didn't expect myself can handle this that well at all. All from God.

Fri 4 Nov 00:56

AT THE OUTPOST

I don't know, just feel like writing again.

Recently, I found that it has been a long while that I didn't take my time to know what I am exactly doing and working on. No clues at all. From the time I moved in and live with Grace, it feels like there's always somebody staying with me - which is good when I am in such a fluctuate situation and mood. However, I know that I can't be like that all the time. So probably that's the reason why I just come to Outpost alone and write whatever I want to write and not going back to my flat till I feel better with it. To let the things run through me with no one else I am familiar with. Such a feeling which I haven't been feeling for a LONG TIME. I can't even find that feeling when I was in Edinburgh, probably because I know that there are still some people I may come across with and I know that. As one of the purpose of heading to Edinburgh is to visit Dandan, the trip is no longer 'aimless'. There are restrictions in my mind and I don't know why, that's just a kind of feeling and it's true.

*Listening to Norah Jones - Don't Know Why*

It seems like I keep solving some problems in the past 43 days, but still there are a few holes I tried to avoid intentionally. I am not sure why as well but seems like it's time to push myself a little bit further towards them.

Anyways, feel so completed when I can spend time COMPLETELY alone T____T like I don't feel like going back home at the moment cos Grace is having her dayoff. I know it may sound weird but I just realised that that kind of alone time I need is not just having a complete silence and work on whatever I would like to work on in my room, but rather a place I know no one else and not even knowing that somebody is sleeping right next to the room of mine. I just don't want to feel like someone else is living around me or at a certain distance. I need that space where no one notice my existence but just the owner of the cafe. Haha, good to know myself a bit more when I started to live with someone else. Everything is about knowing myself a bit more :)

Wed 2 Nov 13:06 at the OUTPOST COFFEE, Nottingham

They left pieces in my heart and moulded into a ccl 3.0

yhl taught me - don't change myself even for the person I love.

yst left the sense of romantic in my body. I don't have this 'ability' before he entered my life and I feel like he helps shaping me into smth interesting!

...

少女的祈禱

作詞：林夕
作曲：陳輝陽@好好笑
編曲：陳輝陽@好好笑

沿途與他車廂中私奔般戀愛　再擠逼都不放開
祈求在路上沒任何的阻礙　令愉快旅程變悲哀
連氣兩次綠燈都過渡了　與他再愛幾公里
當這盞燈轉紅便會別離　憑運氣決定我生死

祈求天地放過一雙戀人　怕發生的永遠別發生
從來未　順利遇上好景降臨　如何能重拾信心
祈求天父做十分鐘好人　賜我他的吻　如憐憫罪人
我愛主　同時亦愛一位世人　祈求　沿途未變心　請給我護蔭
　　　　　　　　  　 (愛) 

為了他不懂禱告都敢禱告　誰願眷顧　這種信徒
用兩手遮掩雙眼專心傾訴　寧願答案　望不到

唯求與他車廂中可抵達未來　到車毀都不放開
無論路上歷盡任何的傷害　任由我決定愛不愛

為了他不懂禱告都敢禱告　誰願眷顧　這種信徒
太愛他怎麼想到這麼恐佈　對綠燈　去哀求哭訴

然而天父並未體恤好人　到我睜開眼　無明燈指引
我愛主　為何任我身邊愛人　離棄　了我下了車　你怎可　答允

By Lanier Cruz

"I have stopped blaming myself each time my mind goes back to your memories whenever I think about love. It is just that yours were the most recent. The easiest to get to. The hardest to get over. But I am learning to change the outcome. And I may still not be okay. But that's okay. Every day I am better."

Healing

Finally, I can feel like I m in the progress of healing.. finally.

Today I shared my testimony in front of the old and newbies of the fellowship and I still looked at him serval times and searched for his existence in the crowd intentionally.

He talked to me one time when I was talking with Marco, he just sat down behind us and asked me what time tomorrow. And I said I am busy tomorrow and I need some sleep as well. He knew I am not that busy, but just escaping.

So he asked me to come over and said it will just take me 15 seconds, while I was talking in a group. My body just pulled me over and we sat down. He asked me whether I am escaping or I just need to sleep more - which he could already interpreted that as 'ccl needs more time'. I replied ' I have no ideas I just don't want to talk about it', then I left right away which I was controlled by my body once again.

"Hope but never expect. Look forward but never wait." -- thegoodquote

Fourth

Sometimes, time flies too fast which makes me not able to count what day is it.

<Jennifer_tdc> Social.

<Storeroom> Bought the mug I promised to give yst as a gift. And I realised I am that kind of girl who is willing to do something nice for the people I love, and put their needs and feelings beyond mine.

<Tea w/ Hoyin & Melody> Hoyin keeps on reminding us about - to know ourselves and to figure out who am I before the age of 30, especially when we are surrounded in a different culture and environment. I realised I still got so much to do with myself and so much to figure out, still a lot of work to do in order to know who I am and who is the ccl God made 21 years ago.

-

<yst> Um, I still have no clues what has happened in details but I tried to distract myself from overthinking because I know it helps nothing at all and it will just make the whole thing and emotion complicated. Lift it too God as if God allows me to get to this place, He won't let me down. Faith.

13 Sep 22:48

In the past, I probably would just stop myself from throwing back and forced myself not to do something that will make myself think of the moments we had. But today, I realised, that's not the cases. What has happened, happened. Why can't I just face them. The only thing I have to do is to control myself - not to do it too often or to rely on it or to live in the past.

02:47am

Just watched one third of the About Time and I have a thought. Actually, it's not about whether I have shown myself completely in front of this man, cos at the same time he did the same thing in the past weeks. We both put ourselves into a place where we are willing to tell our stories and share our pieces. It's not just about how 'I' did for him or in front of him, as we both did pay effort and love in it. It's kind of a fair relationship indeed.

Tho there are still a lot of uncertainties (at least before I go back) and worries. All I can do is to stop overthinking and lift them to God.

13 Sep 02:47am

He knocked down my wall, and left.

So this day happened and I haven't digested it yet. But still I would like to mark this day down to let the future self witness my transformation.

<on the first day I wrote this and didn't complete it>

Third

<ytd> Instead of going to the morning service, I went to the night time service for the first time as I remember Hoiki said that's more peaceful and less people are joining that.

<Ash> So I used 1.5 hours to take mtr in order to get into Wu Kai Sai to meet Ash. I was unexpectedly calm and not emotional when I was talk about things happened in these few days. We talked about how we think about 'relationship' and how to accept our partners/future partners as a whole. I am not sure whether our ways of thinking and embracing are proper or not but still I feel glad we did share it. 

Anyway, the more I talked about it, the more I feel like that's actually not a big deal. And I am not sure whether it's a good sign or not. 

<Nico> Here's the random drinking part again. One sauvignon blanc and one mojito for me, One red and one whiskey for him. And again, the more I talked about what has happened, the more I feel like that's not a big deal. The most important thing Nico feels like I should do is that, to be honest with my feelings and tell him when I feel needed to. Such a simple but hard job for me you know. Will try to do it tho. 

-

Okay so today started with a half-emptied heart. Knowing I don't have to meet Tongcwing is kind of a relief for me so I can just focus on meeting Hoiki and doing haircut. Such a simple day so I might go to Ikea for a walk before heading home for dinner. 

Cheers ccl, keep you two in prayers x

12 Sep 11:36

Morning thought on the second day.

Just started reading Cheukwangi's old book 誰有下次 誰沒有下次? again.

After reading a few pages, I got an idea - to buy a new notebook *yep I know I got a lot of notebooks, don't judge* and then jot down how I survive and go through these days and weeks and months with myself, with God and WITHOUT HIM.

Cheers ccl, you can do it, treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated xx

Sun 11 Sep 11:51

It seems like a lot of things have happened

So this is an official 'first day' for me to have my own silence in the living room in Hong Kong.

Have my classic black coffee, water and oatmeal with banana. The classics can always bring me back to the comfy atmosphere. They are my comfort food for sure. (I am glad that they are all health food at the same time hahahh) And with some chill house music as well, for sure.

After all the hustle and bustle, I think I have to consider about whether I would really want to work 24/7 or have a really tight schedule next year when I come out and work in the industry cos it's extremely for me to totally lost myself or become numb and that's the most valuable part of myself and I am not going to risk anything to lost it, especially when I have tried it.

ps. i duno the exact day i wrote this becos i posted it much much later than that day.

'Things come when you are less expected' - this is real (?)

Oh my goodness. I haven't written here since May? That's ridiculous.
I think I lost myself and my life in June.
The intern was good, the trips were fine. But the most important thing is that I wanna find myself back and I would like to give a little note to myself and future self, it seems like things really come when you are least expected tho we are not together yet. But still, these days and weeks seem like a dream for me because they are all out of my expectations.

He has to intention to know more about me and he is embracing or even appreciating my weirdnesses. He-is-crazy. I don't know how to express my feelings right now or maybe I experienced something bad so I am a little bit afraid at the same time but still I hope we can make it. So I do pray for us.

Looking back

It's funny how every day, every small moment adds up into a huge emotions and 'bud sei' and the heart-broken feeling these days. We live together and we spend out life here in the past 9 months. I didn't expect it would be that hard for myself to face these goodbyes and sadness. But when I look back and see how many things we have been through, it's just so amazing yet significant. Thank you Micchan, thank you Ashluk x

Hard but worth it

When I looked back to all my notes I made and how much my friends and I have accomplished for that two seen exams, I am proud of myself and ofc I can't make it without the help from my friends, definitely. And even those are hard times and super exhausted days and week, I am glad that I didn't give up and go to sleep and treat myself nice and avoid those difficulties. Instead I am glad that I spent most of my time working on it and the other time to de-stress so I can do better. Nobody said it was easy, so true, and when I looked back, it's definitely worth it.

SO STRESSED OUT

Actually when I m typing this, I am actually 50% less stressful. I am blessed that I still go to the fellowship tonight and the worship calmed my heart and my feelings. The team-building game tonight makes me feel relaxed and I am able to forget my stress for hours, literally, I can barely remember all my works and essays within the hours. After the gaming section, the unplanned praying circle gathered in the room and we prayed for Ivyso as she is planning to have a serious talk with Shan tonight. She then cried for Natchan and for the fellowship when we were praying. I can literally feel the energy within us when we were praying. I clearly know that I am not alone tho I have to write my essay by myself and face the exam all by myself but I don't feel lonely because I know that there are shoulders and ears beside me anytime, even when they are busying with their revision as well.

After I got into the university, I seldom plan my essay on the way to anywhere. But today, I was planning for my essays on the way to Beeston Free. I know I were stressed. (1) I know it's God's work to send Sharon to ask me how am I doing and listen to all my worries and stressful things. She is definitely a good listener and comforter :) (2) Ivyso always lend her shoulders to me. The body language tells it all. (3) I can't even believe that when Michaelchan knows that I am still struggling with my politics essays, he is willing to offer me a helping hand even I didn't ask for it. It meant a lot to me especially in this hard time and stressed out period. And honestly, he doesn't have the responsibility to do so, but he offers it.

In hard time, do not forget. You grace are sufficient for me. Moreover, I do agree with Sharon's idea about that when God brings me to this, "You have to bring me through it." hahah, I know you will my fatherpapa x

A little update

It has almost been 9 months staying in the U.K., things in 2016 or in the second semester are much easier for me to adapt. All are the grace from God. His grace is sufficient for me all the time. Tho there are the Rev. To issue, fellowship usual issues, a little ups and downs, I can still feel that He is with me all the time. Wherever I am and whenever I need. :)

Ytd I didn't feel good with my mood and it affected my preparation of the final exam. And when I wake up this morning, I feel not well as well. My mood doesn't improve any better. I try to look into the reasons why I am that blue and a bit emotional. Still can't figure it out. But all is well. I will be fine, in Him.

Find myself

No matter how hard it is, try your very best to find yourself. And so in the bible said as long as we want to find ourselves, at first we have to seek God first. So, it means, no matter how hard it is, try your very best to seek God, and you will find yourself in God.

I am not a complicated person. I know how somethings in the society work but I will practice it in my way. "Make it simple, but significant." I don't need attention. I just need the agrees from God and follow my gut feeling to finish what I would like to do and accomplish my dream.

You may say that the world is not as simple as that. But it just depends whether you would like to be manipulated by the society or to just live your own life. xx

Give thanks

Take a moment to think of the things you prayed for and you have now.

Comfort Zone

So, this is the second semester I have been spending in Nottingham. Majoring in International Media and Communications here honestly is not really what I expect. I mean the details of the course and the thing I expected to learn are not in my expectations. I thought I can meet a lot 'cool course mate' but nah they are just normal 'schoolmate'. I thought I will have more passion to work on what I like but nah I turns out feeling lost from time to time. I thought I will be so glad and feel 100% sure that coming over to study is the best decision but nah, thinking about why I didn't study in HKBU and study my dream program has always popped out as a significant question to me.

This is not how the things will work, cos if it does work in my expected way, that means I am not walking out of my comfort zone as well. (get?)


p.s. sometimes, you may not find yourself when you are travelling or in the trip but when you get back to the city you live and quiet down. Suddenly, thoughts and ideas just flood your mind. :)

p.p.s. from time to time, ask yourself WWGD

COFFEE

So I packed all my stuffs and done with the shower. Then a guy who is studying his second degree in law talked to me in the lounge. I haven't been sleeping since then. And I can't really remember how many cups of coffees I have take in already...

Coffee makes me strong like I didn't sleep for 30 or more hours already.

I know, I know, I will take good care of my body x

And wow it's 9 April already.