Confession

On the first day of the devotion plan I do with Tiff, I have a thought that it would be much better for me to write down the thing I have to confess to the Lord in order to ask for serious forgiveness. 

This weekend/week is awesome that I spend more time with friends and less with God. I still do my devotion but I just know that I can spend more time quietly with God and focus just on Him in my every day life. 

Things I should confess to God: 
1. Laziness - there's thing I should do in advance for my move, my responsibility at my current job, self discipline, reach out to Porpor, etc. 
-> I really want to change or at least be more proactive to allocate my time to improve myself and my life so I can be a good testimony. I have to confess that I just want to leave this job asap that I didn't even care about my performance anymore. May the Holy Spirit helps me with this.

2. Hidden judgement - mind is such a tricky thing that it instantly pops up judgements toward myself or people I meet in life. It can be a judgement that from nowhere or just an instinct that I should not just trust in first time but to dig deep to understand more. We are so harsh to others because we used the same thinking to judge ourself. 
-> I pray that God can teach me the right thoughts and adjust my way of thinking so I won't judge at first time but to understand first. There must be story behind each action or idea, as actions are driven by thoughts. 

3. Not giving enough thanks or credits to the Lord the saviour - even if I can't feel it, I am still committing this sin as I still think and know I'm not sensitive enough to do this. However, I believe it's like a muscle training. The more I try to do this more often, I will be more able to do this frequently. 
-> Father, please forgive me for not giving thanks to you regularly. May the Holy Spirit be with me and remind me the moment when I wanna give a pass to give the the glory you deserve to have, so I can train my "give thanks" muscle :) 

Amen!

Mon 24 May 11:02 

「道別」

與新的 East Team 開完了星期末早上的會議，現在聽着同事們一起湊成的 Spotify playlist。一邊重讀着卓韻芝的「旅行之必要」，心裡一直有這個想法：我會想念這些時刻，然後再發現這次的道別又跟以往不一樣，因為我又變成了一個更好的自己。

原來「道別」的感覺會昇華，又或者會因經歷過不同形式的「道別」而漸漸建立了不同層次的感受和看法。所以此刻的我不再只為「道別」而感到不捨、可惜和迷惘，跟隨着的是珍惜、滿滿的感恩和感謝。最近幾晚臨睡前都會坐在梳化上，腦海裡總會浮現出「這趟旅行若算開心，亦是無負這一生」— 雖然「一生」聽起來有點誇張，但也是一個確實的形容，而這短短兩年也確實給予我很多。

曾聽說過，若你想有新的想法、構思、一切任何新的事物進入你的生命，你要先騰出一個位置或空間，然後一邊等待一邊過你的日常，新的事情就會不知不覺地出現、經過、或留下。去年對我來說有點類似，生命或日常生活突然騰出了一個空間，疫情又把生活的日程簡化再簡化，情況就如搬進了新居，客廳只有基本的梳化、床、一個小小的雪櫃和一張櫈。每天（嘗試）如常，又其實不如常。然後一年就這樣（不容易）的過去了，新居沒有被突然填滿，因生活在新的空間會讓你更謹慎的添置，甚至拋棄更多，並且是 舒 適 又 自 覺 地 騰出更多空間。

最近腦海裡不時放眼到一個角落，想把寓所的物件好好分門別類：捐贈的、放售的、回收的、帶走的⋯⋯然後才發現，就算我只帶着小小的行李離開，我都把所有都帶走了，只是換了個存在的形式或狀態，也變成真正的「擁有」。

Fri 14 May 12:59

What I learnt about love

Well, this is very pathetic to say this but I just realised how much I love him when I realised I really did lose him.

I am the one who initiate the break-up thing, with my actions plainly following my guts, my feelings and my needs but considering his feelings. I did what I feel right and what I want a few months ago, and then after a few months when I finally got something settled down and have the space to digest what has happened in the past few months, I regretted, very much.

But we can't always get what we want - we can't be that selfish to pull somebody away from ourselves and prefer to get them back when we are ready. We can't be that selfish to always put ourselves beyond others especially when we are in a relationship, a commitment. Things in life will never go with your timeline but what we need to learn is not to stick with ours but to learn how to manage to deal with it all together even it's very tough and might take up all of our mental energy to deal with what's coming in our life.

/

Love is not a feeling, it's a commitment and the "honeymoon period" would definitely pass one day. We are not in a movie nor a fairytale, but in a real life. We have too much unrealistic expectation, and what's even worst is we don't express what has been going through in our mind. Or we should say we are not sensitive enough about what has gone through our mind subconsciously - this is very dangerous I would say.

Long distance is unhealthy. Dealing with it without wisdom and patience can just kill everything we have built together. It's also heartbreaking because you always feel so close with a person but then in real life the gap is there. The expectations vs reality is always toxic yet inevitable when we are in a relationship.

/

Losing someone important is life is always worse than we could imagined. Sometimes we thought we have prepared to lose someone or we are okay to live our life alone. But what turns out is you don't feel the pain at the moment you lose them, you realised you lose them when you can't share your thoughts with them at night, can't share food and precious moments in life with them, don't have the position to worry or to take care of him - it's all in these small, significant daily life moments you will realise you lose someone. It attacks you very often in all these details.

/

Never ever take things and people in life for granted. NEVER EVER. It will be too late when you realised what you have done is unreturnable.

Lot of thoughts are still inside and going through my mind but I lost the ability to keep writing now. - Sitting at Cranbrook next to Crystal who is revising. Drinking a very bitter coffee and writing something hoping to heal and express myself a bit.

Sun 29 Mar 13:11

悲 傷 ／ 遺 憾

你要察看神的作為；
因神使為曲的，誰能變為直呢？

遇亨通的日子你當喜樂；遭患難的日子你當思想；
因為神使這兩樣並列，為的是叫人查不出身後有甚麼事。

傳道書 7：13 - 14  新標點和合本

Google: "history of Brussels"

Read can really change a person. I used to read because I want to build my image in my social circles. I didn't start reading because I utterly enjoy it. Yet, it just gradually becomes part of my life or friends in life.

I didn't expect I would grow to be girl who will start googling the history of a place before visiting that city out of curiosity. Thanks to Cheuk Wan Gi, I realised how important it is and how it would change my perspective and ways of acknowledgment of a city if I did some research regarding the history of a city.

I am not doing this as I would like to show off myself. I do this just out of my curiosity to the world. This is mind-blowing. Maybe this is the power of knowledge, words and experiences sharing of an author.

- Writing this at the shitty Airbnb here in London, Fri 27 Dec 00:30

I changed.

I am currently sitting on the sofa in the living room while Patrick is gaming (of course) and two pairs of couples are gathering in the same space right now.

I realised I changed and it didn't take as much time as I thought I would need. I am much clearer of what I want and what I need. Yet, I am still figuring the way out to practice it in real life and in day to day life. I would say it's an awakening moment - to suddenly realised where am I as a third person in a few circumstances. Like for work and in relationship. I found so relieved once I realised how suppressed I was.

In love life, I would really wanna take a break to figure out what I appreciate and the ideal way of interaction with my partner. "Love is a lot of things". I used to simplified this area as I thought it would be the best and beneficial way in handling relationship. Yet, it's inescapable that we still need to consider a lot of things before getting into a relationship. Being too considerate might kill yourselves unexpectedly and slowly, until the day you are brave enough to embrace what's actually happening between you two.

"I hope/need my partner to share common interests with me. So we can be each others' accompany when doing something we are passionate at. I need him to understand and connect with my spiritually. I treasure mind connection. That "click" actually matters to me in many aspects, for instance to appreciate artworks or going to museum together, enjoy reading and will recommend each other recent favourites from time to time, sentimental yet will remind each other God should be the one who we look up to in life, respect the time and space each other need, and to explore the world together by not limiting oneself."

I am glad I can finally mention some cliche yet important elements through my mouth. It's actually hard for me but I am proud that I can finally figure it out and say it out. 

London

Well, I have never expected that I will fall in love with London in any sense.

In the past two weeks, I have experienced the love from fellowship and God, which removed the worries and uncomfortable feelings I had before.

All the deep talks and quality time as well as the exhibition visits and the musical night, everything is fabulous. I would say I'm like a kid getting into the adult world while so many things have caught my eyeballs.

London has bought me a lot of reflection and realisation and I have never expected and seen them coming. My mind and my heart are struggling and shaking when I was processing and digesting all these thoughts and facts. Yet, there must be some reasons for God to answer Ivy's prayers and thus I were invited to London and then all these things happened in such a short period of time.

... (tbc)

"In relations with people, as in art, if you always stick to style, manners, and what will work, and you're never caught off guard, then some beautiful experiences never happen." - Helen Frankenthaler

Deadline

It's a mixed feeling when it comes to "I don't know whether I should ask for a longer stay or not"...

Cos I know I don't have any bargaining power when it comes to asking for help or something like that. I feel so embarrassed and I really have no clues about how should I ask for this.

To be honest, I know what I can do is go wherever there's a place for me and just get used to what I have. I can't have what I want anytime and this should be one of the lesson I learnt. However, there's always struggle and a grey area for me to deal with it...

Adulthood is hard and unemployed time is hard too. How should I adjust my mentality in order to walk through all these "down" time? I don't know. I don't want myself to take things for granted... Yet, I don't want to live at a place that I might not find it comfortable enough to be myself.

It's interesting that I have never experienced these moments before, and I kind of decided to put it into my bag of "must-learn" in this journey.

I don't know where God will lead me but I believe He will prepare the best for me.

Hey girl, still remember at today's fellowship, God kinda remind me about...
"Don't you believe that I will prepare the best for you my daughter?"
"Oh yes God, I do. Yet, I am weak. Please strengthen me by Your power and grant me faith from You."

Sun 6 Oct 23:40

Saying goodbye again

Here in Torquay with him by my side, I realised when tree is blown by wind, the light went through them makes them shine. 

Saying goodbye is a lesson we can never escape in life. Yet, it's such an interesting feeling when you say a deep goodbye to the same person again and again and you still get emotional because of it. 

There's always a progress - back in the days when we lived in different countries, after saying goodbye, we both tried not to think when's the next time we will be seeing each other, as it will be months and months. So surprisingly, our emotions will be suppressed in order to avoid heartbroken moments hitting us too often; but now when we are living in different cities, things are actually getting better - we can meet after weeks but still, every goodbye is heavy and emotional, but with a little more of hope. 

It's crazy that how our daily life will be influenced by each other when we are together, staying in the same flat, living together. It's such a treasure because we all don't know when's the day will be the last time seeing each other, it's a mystery. 

Another goodbye again, I know my brain and my heart are trying to digest this once again even though people thought we have been getting used with this, but well, nope. 

Stay hopeful and lovable, keep striving for our calling and our family. One day, we will stay in the same city, under the same rooftop x 

Love you bae. See you soon x 

Two people are better than one.

From time to time, I have such a strong feeling about this line "two people are better than one."

Yet, since I moved to U.K. and kind of reunion with my boyfriend, I can echo to this description almost every day and I really give thanks about God creating and granting partner in life.

I used to think that having me-time and spending most of my time alone are fabulous. I can be as selfish as I can and I don't have to consider feeling of others. However, my boyfriend has really shown me how great it is to have him in my life forever. Oh yes, I do mean FOREVER.

I don't know where to begin with, it's because it is the first time in my life that I feel and think in this way. My life didn't change dramatically, but gradually he brings me into a different world - with him by my side.

(Let me continue once I done preparing for my interview)

Kind reminder

Dear,

Know that you have been job hunting and worrying.

Yet, there's one thing I would like to share with you - no matter what job offers you get in the future, it's not because how nice your resume is or how talented you are. It's just because of God's grace :)

Free yourself and leave everything in God's hand x

Tue 20 Aug 18:23

Day 33

Yesterday night Holam and I watched 春嬌救志明 and unexpectedly I got reminded that "growing up" or "being a real adult" is a matter of choice.

You have to tell yourself and be very determined to bear responsibilities, and that's the time when you gradually become an adult or stepping into the path of "growing up".

Oh yea, you can always decided not to grow up and bear no responsibilities for yourselves. Resist everything and keep relying on your parents, your partners or people around you. That's why we always said a mature person is not defined by his/her age but the mindsets or ways they handle challenges or daily issues.

By staying with Holam, he really teaches me a lot. He didn't do anything that's huge but baby steps when he faces changes and challenges when he is growing up or adulting. He just embraces everything softly and humbly with a very brave heart to be honest, like how he embraces my differences and dark side.

I didn't expect that hidden soft power inside his body and mind would be that strong that is so contagious. He acts like a mirror in my daily life which pushes me to reflect my actions and responses to different things. This is such an unexpected yet surprising great thing that happened in my life. I didn't know a relationship could turn into inspirations in life.

Growing up is pretty scary, but when there are people or friends or family members who walk together, even we are not on the same path, it just makes me feel much easier and better and braver.

Keep walking, there's always a way :)

Tue 20 Aug 13:25

Day 31

So it has been a month since I arrived in U.K. (I am really looking forward to the day I can finally say I "settled down" here)

"A month" means nothing if I just arrived here and did nothing. So far I have been wondering between job seeking (online) and revising my cover letter... which could be an endless loop.

Somehow I would like to ask myself a few questions:
- Does everything just come to me so easy that I have been taking for granted already?
- Does I really know from the bottom of my heart that actually what I am enjoying and having are very luxury?
- Are you making the most of your time in this grace period?

I know that I am not using the most of my time, yet I am not sure what else can I do except sending out job application and spending time with my love ones.

Meanwhile, he is sitting in front of me watching movie while I am typing all these (with my brain running non stop) on bed.

What am I supposed to learn in these period of time or the time coming up? Phew I am exhausted with my laziness and procrastination. Though it's not productive to just blame myself by doing nothing for it. I know it's time to change.

Sun 18 Aug 11:11am