What I learnt about love

Well, this is very pathetic to say this but I just realised how much I love him when I realised I really did lose him.

I am the one who initiate the break-up thing, with my actions plainly following my guts, my feelings and my needs but considering his feelings. I did what I feel right and what I want a few months ago, and then after a few months when I finally got something settled down and have the space to digest what has happened in the past few months, I regretted, very much.

But we can't always get what we want - we can't be that selfish to pull somebody away from ourselves and prefer to get them back when we are ready. We can't be that selfish to always put ourselves beyond others especially when we are in a relationship, a commitment. Things in life will never go with your timeline but what we need to learn is not to stick with ours but to learn how to manage to deal with it all together even it's very tough and might take up all of our mental energy to deal with what's coming in our life.

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Love is not a feeling, it's a commitment and the "honeymoon period" would definitely pass one day. We are not in a movie nor a fairytale, but in a real life. We have too much unrealistic expectation, and what's even worst is we don't express what has been going through in our mind. Or we should say we are not sensitive enough about what has gone through our mind subconsciously - this is very dangerous I would say.

Long distance is unhealthy. Dealing with it without wisdom and patience can just kill everything we have built together. It's also heartbreaking because you always feel so close with a person but then in real life the gap is there. The expectations vs reality is always toxic yet inevitable when we are in a relationship.

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Losing someone important is life is always worse than we could imagined. Sometimes we thought we have prepared to lose someone or we are okay to live our life alone. But what turns out is you don't feel the pain at the moment you lose them, you realised you lose them when you can't share your thoughts with them at night, can't share food and precious moments in life with them, don't have the position to worry or to take care of him - it's all in these small, significant daily life moments you will realise you lose someone. It attacks you very often in all these details.

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Never ever take things and people in life for granted. NEVER EVER. It will be too late when you realised what you have done is unreturnable.

Lot of thoughts are still inside and going through my mind but I lost the ability to keep writing now. - Sitting at Cranbrook next to Crystal who is revising. Drinking a very bitter coffee and writing something hoping to heal and express myself a bit.

Sun 29 Mar 13:11